Don’t Fuck With My Cat!

Bookmark This Post

There was a time in my life when I was obsessed with my house being spotless.  Open cabinet doors, grime in the sink, dust on the television and other normal humanly produced disarray skinned my beaver!

As my family grew in number and size it got harder.  There were more kids to argue with.  More mood swings to console, more fights to referee, more money exchanged hands in our house than it does between the government and insurance agencies - well, it seems that way - and the capita of clothes per child dramatically (and suddenly!) increased ten fold.

I remember stupidly saying at some point that having 4 kids was like having 4 dishwashers, 4 laundries and 4 errand runners.  I did say stupidly right?  This  was when my children were very small and I was fantasizing about the day they’d be old enough to help out around the house more than just by picking up their toys and flushing the toilet.

As the kids grew up I realized that the only dishwasher, laundry and errand runner was me.  Oh sure they learned to load the dishwasher in Mom’s dishwasher loading 101 class but they never gave a damn enough to actually it do it right - without a fight with either me or each other.

So I started letting things go.  If the girls left every piece of make-up they owned on the counter so what?  I could live with that as long as they picked it up later.  It didn’t matter if my son’s room started looking like a crackhouse.  He had to live in there not me, just close the door and once in a while scout for remains of cheeseburgers and porn.  Geez it stinks in there!

Are you starting to see why I titled this post Side Effects of Watching Clean House?

My house is not filthy in any way but it is definitely not spotless.  I’m ok with the fact that my house isn’t perfect. I’ve got more to do in life than sit around and worry about a freaking dust bunny or two.  It’ll get taken care of on Saturday.  Always does.

I try not to think about the things that lurk under my son’s bed accept for when I watch Clean House on Bravo.  Then I get inspired.

Like right now.  Since today is my day off I decided to strip my room down to the bare essentials and scrub the bloody thing until you can lick the floors without endangering your oral well being.

Thinking about all this cleaning got me thinking up this post in my head so right smack in the middle of cleaning I sat down to type this.  As I’m typing these words there are 43 books on my bed that came from my bedside table.  The curtains are missing and somewhere buried in the depths of all the shoes I pulled out of the closet, is the cat.

Now look what I’ve gotten myself into.  I’ll be cleaning and organizing for hours to come.  I should have never turned on that frickin’ show.

Bookmark This Post

I was driving in the car this morning with the radio on.  There’s a man and woman doing their normal morning talk-show routine.  One of them mentions that there was recently a panty theif in a town about 20 minutes up the road from me.  When he said the robbery got national attention I had to find out about it.

Apparently a man in Ceres California was arrested for robbery when he was caught walking down the sidewalk just a few blocks from the home he had broken into.  The police caught him with jewelry and money in his pockets and funnier yet, they found one of his pockets was stuffed with 4 pairs of ladies panties.

This cracks me up!  How many times have we heard about home invasions involving panty theft?  It’s becoming more and more commonplace.

In Japan panty theft happens in the laundry mat.  It happens so much that there are signs posted in some coin laundrys warning people to watch out for panty theft.  I wonder if the websites that sell dirty, worn panties get them by sending others out to steal panties from the laundry mat?  That’s one way to cut the cost of overhead.

Columbia has an entire gang of panty theives.  They are literally a gang.  A real, honest to goodness gang whose only mission is to steal panties.  I bet THEY sell them.

I googled panty theft and found something that made me laugh my ass off.  On a message board a woman claims to have discovered a co-worker’s secret stash of stolen panties in a toolbox.  Who does that?  I have to know!

I have to admit that I, the Tater Lady, was once the victim of panty theft.  I was married to my first husband and we were going through a divorce.  He got so pissed of at me for having his ass thrown in jail that one day while I was at work he broke in and stole all of my clothing, my contact lenses, my imported coffee and my panties. I told the police that if they found him and he was wearing my panties I didn’t want to know.

As of right now, I still don’t understand what the appeal is in stealing someone’s panties.  How do you know the woman who wore those panties didn’t have a yeast infection?  How do you know those are clean panties?  If they are clean panties then stealing them so you can smell them is pointless because the only thing you’re going to smell is laundry detergent.

To sum this all up I came across a website called, The Body where Dr. Frascino counsels people on a category titled Used Panties.  He gives advice to one guy that found a pair of used panties and wanted to lick them. In fact he gives out advice to several people interested in licking used panties.

I now love the panty fetish.  It can’t get any better or funnier than that!

Bookmark This Post

I went to the doctor on Tuesday.  Well, wait I should probably back up a bit.  A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctor because I was having pain in my knee. While I was there I mentioned that my thumb had been numb for about 2 months or so.  She slaps me in a wrist brace for a week and tells me to go see a neurologist.

I wasn’t sure about seeing a neurologist but I went along.   Tuesday rolls around and I waltz into the neurologist’s office thinking that I’ll probably end up with a few exercises and maybe a different, more effective brace.  That is not what happened.

The first thing the neurologist does is start pinching my arm and hand.  “Does that hurt?”  “Does this hurt?” and so on.  Then he takes out this rubber ball that’s connected to what appears to be a large metal file.  It was weird.  Anyway, he bangs around on my joints for a while and says it’s time to hook me up to the machine.

It looked harmless enough at first.  A few wires attached to my hand, green lines lighting up a small monitor. No biggie right?  Wrong! 

To go along with this machine is a handy little tool that took its roots somewhere deep in the dungeons of the ancient world.  It’s a small rectangular shaped box with 2 metal prongs on one end of it.  The neurologist placed those prongs against my skin and pushed a button.

ZAP!  He fucking electrocuted me and when he did it my arm went flying. I was shocked and surprised for a minute.  He laughed and held my arm down on the table and said, “You can’t be doing that, you’re pulling the wires out of the machine.”

Then he electrocutes me again. 

The first time wasn’t so much painful as it was surprising but the second one was accompanied by a deep throb.

I guess electrocuting me twice wasn’t giving the neurologist the data he needed.  So he did it two more times for good measure.

As if I hadn’t just taken a beating he proceeds to squeeze my arm between his thumb and forefinger as hard as he can while he asked, ‘does this hurt?  does that hurt?” 

Ultimately he concluded that I could benefit from two cortisone shots in my elbow and an order for a MRI on my neck.

The cortisone shot scared me.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that the actual shot itself did not hurt.

I was unpleasantly surprised to find that within minutes I lost control of the use of my arm and hand.  Oh, and I was also in a hell of a lot of pain.

Did I tell you that when I walked in to this guy’s office that I had no pain at all, just a numb thumb?

That’s medicine for you.

Bookmark This Post

Way back in the day there used to a tattoo shop in town  who’s owner was referred to as “Dirty Dave.”  Why he was called Dirty Dave is a long story but let’s just suffice it to say he liked’em young.

Anyway,  Dave’s tattoo shop is still around but there’s a better place to go now; Main Street Tattoo.

I started thinking about getting a new tattoo a couple of years ago but never got around to it.  I couldn’t decide what I wanted or where I wanted it.  I worked out one design and toyed with the idea for a while and then recently I was inspired to get something else.

So I sat down a few days ago and designed my new tattoo, printed it up and took it into Main Street Tattoo.

I met a pretty cool guy there who gave me my new tattoo today.  He’s cute, sexy and didn’t laugh at my design.  I hate it when people laugh at my shit.

So here it is.  Check out my new ink.

Bookmark This Post

When I was at work today I had to run an errand. Part of my job requires it. I can’t tell you where I go because it’s Michael’s top secret, classified daily operations. If you were to find out where I have to go then I would be forced to kill you.

To further exacerbate that point; Michael’s is sending all associates who run this errand to self defense classes. To date I can take down an entire army of small woodland fairies with a hot glue gun and some floral wire. Don’t fuck with me!

When I was walking across the parking lot towards my car I saw something so funny that I had to take a picture to post here. The associate riding with me thought I was nuts for standing in the middle of the parking lot and taking pictures with my cell phone all so I can blog about it.

As a part of Michael’s errand policy one associate must accompany another associate. At the end of the shift the accompanying associate’s mind is read and their memories are wiped clean during what is referred to as “Showtime.” Most associates have remarked not remembering anything that has happened during the day before “Showtime.”

Anyway, when I saw the object in the below picture I had to shake my head in wonder and amazement. These guys must have huge balls. The first thought that crossed my mind is oh my god, what it must look like when a chick is driving. Followed by the thought that maybe they are on to something. People are sure to remember them. I know I will.

Bookmark This Post

I don’t care who you are, this shit is funny!

Bookmark This Post

Legendary talk show host of Oxygen Channel’s Talk Sex with Sue Johanson said goodbye a couple of nights ago. This crazy old lady knew everything there was to know about sex and she shared her knowledge with the rest of us weekly, late at night.

Watching Sue was a delight. She always had an answer to everything. Her show highlighted some of the best sex toys on the market and truly helped people with sexual dysfunctions.

Sue Johanson had been on television for 32 years and her notorious Talk Sex with Sue Johanson show aired for 6 long seasons. I wish her well!

Bookmark This Post

I like to share. I like to share all sorts of things; clothes, shoes, husbands - you know, all the usual stuff.  One of my favorite things to share is cool things on the net.

First I want to share this little tidbit with you.  My husband pulled a fast one on me the other day.  I was watching that movie Reign on Me with Adam Sandler and I made the comment that he reminds me Henry Winkler aka Arther “The Fonze” Fonzerelli.

My husband pipes up with, “That’s because Winkler is Adam Sandler’s father.”

I said, “No. You’re full of shit.”

“Yes way.” Says he, “look it up”

So I did.  I’m sad to report that no, Adam Sandler and Henry Winkler are not related.  It’s a crying shame because they are so much alike.

Moving on…. Read these, you’ll love’m.

Tic Tac Crack
An orange tic tac may be small, an orange tic tac may be delicious, but its impact can be devastating.

10 Signs Your Man is a Playa
Learn how to tell the difference between a playa and a keeper. Get savvy and optimize your chances of finding true love. 

How to Work at Home as an Adult Webcam Model
This work at home adult job can be a fun way to make a living, but is also hard work.

Sexual Submissives Learn to Enjoy Domination, Humiliation in Sub Space
Sub space is where submissives go in their own heads that allows them to enjoy or appreciate the experiences they are given by their Dominant.

PMS - a Survival Guide for Men
Hints and tips for men

Spontaneous Human Combustion Support Group
Tips on how to start a Spontaneous Human Combustion Support Group in your area.

Confessions of a Truck Driver
There is a dark world out there. It encompasses every major highway and road. It reaches into stores and into your house. You’re a part of it whether you notice or not.

How Blogging Can Help You Lose Weight
A few handful tips on how you can use blogging to your advantage if you have a few pounds to lose.

The Fire-Brand of Truth
Cowboys names are on the back of their belt so when they pull their head out, they can see their name.

Privacy issues in the News: the RIAA, passwords, and the 5th Amendment
The Recording Industry of America Association (RIAA) is the agency trying to enforce copyrights by suing suspected file sharers.

Top 6 BDSM Songs: Discover the Darker Side of Today’s Popular MusicWhen well-known popular artists start singing about it, then it must be fashionable. Here’s my list of songs eluding to the BDSM lifestyle.

The Art of Mooning
How one can make a lasting impression by simply dropping the pants, the skillful art of Mooning.

Bookmark This Post

On May 3^rd the gardening world is encouraging people to strip off their clothes, get together with friends and family and play in the dirt. While this may seem like a joke or a prank it is a real event in which the sponsors hope to see grow in number of participants. The mission: to gain a better appreciation for our bodies and understand how natural it is to be naked in nature.

A few of the perks of participating in World Naked Gardening Day are being out in the sun, breathing fresh air and enjoying being au natural.

According to the WGND website, “When you’re out there with a gentle breeze on you, every last hair on your body feels it. You feel completely connected with the natural world in a way you just can’t in clothes.”

There are some obvious predicaments that go with naked gardening. Things like red ant nests, bees, wasps and spiders are a given in gardening so when participating in World Gardening Naked Day remember to spray yourself down with some good backwoods insect repellent.

Those not brave enough to challenge the outdoors in their birthday suits are still encouraged to participate by doing their gardening indoors. Puttering with your plants indoors is considered gardening and meets the qualifications for participation. Everyone is invited to plant something new and that can easily be done in a small windowsill pot.

For gardeners that are completely comfortable with naked gardening there are cities that will be holding events specifically for World Naked Gardening Day.

To find out whether or not an event for World Naked Gardening Day is happening in your town look for local garden clubs and check their event calendars.

The next best place to search for naked gardening events is at nudist resorts. Everything is done nude at nudist resorts so gardening naked would be an ordinary event. This happens to be a great way to garden naked without having to worry about offending neighbors or harming your reputation in the community. No one will be the wiser unless you tell them that you spent a weekend at a nudist resort planting flowers.

Although there is no official agenda in the making, the owners of the World Naked Gardening Day site is gaining support from hundreds of other naked gardeners. They plan to host World Naked Gardening Day the first Saturday of every May so be sure to mark your calendars.

To check out the World Naked Gardening Day website follow this link:

http://wngd.org/

Should you decide to participate in the World Naked Gardening Day don’t forget to share your photos and stories with WNGD.

Bookmark This Post