» 7 Ways to Go Fuck Yourself
// by Tater LadyWe’ve all heard someone yell “Go Fuck Yourself!” You’ve either heard it during the heat of an argument or on TV or wherever. The point is you’ve heard it.
Some would argue that it is impossible to “Go Fuck Yourself!” To those of you who truly believe that, I’m going to let you in on a little secret the rest of us already know. It IS possible to “Go Fuck Yourself” and here’s how.
1. You’ve been married for 50 years. Throughout those years you have been a cantankerous asshole. Eventually you reach a point in your life when you can no longer hold your own bowel movements so you ask your significant other to change your depends He or she remembers asking you to clip their toenails once and you demanded that they go fuck themselves. Now you’re sitting there with shit in your pants. You have officially fucked yourself. Karma goes around baby. Gross but true.
2. You get a new job. Yay! Yay for you! You work hard to impress your boss. You take on every challenge you are given and you volunteer to work like a slave for free. Your boss notices your efforts. Instead of a promotion you are given more responsibilities and are expected to go above and beyond the requirements of the job because if you say no you’ll be fired AND you don’t get a raise either. You, my friend, have went and fucked yourself with your naive and excessive volunteering.
3. A car needs to fuel to run. Including your car. If you had put gas in your car when the little dummy light came on indicating its need for fuel then it wouldn’t have died in the middle of that busy 8 A.M. traffic ingested intersection last week when you were wearing a robe and slippers. Consider yourself properly self-fucked.
4. You’re out with buddies having a great time getting incredibly trashed when you pass by a tattoo shop. On a drunken impulse you proclaim you want a new tattoo. With your pals cheering you on, you waltz into the shop and inform the tattoo artist that you want some ink. When asked what you want you promptly slur, “a bald Britney Spears.” You are fucked….forever.
5. Let’s just say that someone breaks into your house to rob you. And not just rob you of your monetary wealth but to rob you of your well-growing marijuana plants. Just as they are making off with your weed, you come through the door, see what is going on and beat the snot out of them. Later you decide to relocate the plants so you toss them into the back of your pickup truck and cover them up with a blanket. Enroute to the new location you are pulled over by the police because they caught a whiff of something coming from your vehicle. When they discover your purple sticky punch you explain that you had just been robbed and are now moving your pot plants so you don’t get robbed again. Guess who just went and fucked themself?
6. Let’s say that you are the one doing the robbing this time. And you decide you are going to do it up right and rob a bank instead of steal a few stupid pot plants. You scribble out a stick up note and head for the local Bank of America. When you get there you shove your stick up note at the first teller you encounter. The teller obliges and gives you all the money in her till. You wake up the next morning to discover that the you accidentally wrote your stick up note on the back of your electric bill. You have successfully fucked yourself long and hard just like the guy that will be fucking you in jail.
7. You’re traveling out of state and you need some cash so you stop at the nearest ATM machine. You go through all the steps, swiping your card, entering your pin number and selecting cash. When the machine spits out your money you snag it up and cram it into your wallet. The only problem is that you didn’t pay attention to your watch and it took you longer than 3 seconds to put your money away so the ATM eats your card. As if that’s not bad enough when you call the bank that owns the ATM machine you are told that your card will be locked inside until after 9 P.M. It gets better. You are also informed that when your card is collected from the machine it will be instantly shredded and there is no amount of money you could offer them that would make them open the machine prematurely to retrieve your card. Lubricant is a requirement when you go and fuck yourself like that.
Sure there are more ways to go fuck yourself but this is a list of 7 ways. That’s what the title says so I’m sticking to it. If you have ever went and fucked yourself feel free to share the dirty details in the comment box below.
